Cop & Lawyer Jokes
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We hope that you enjoy this page and remember that it is all in fun. Even though this page makes fun of cops and picks on lawyers, we are offering it all in jest. We really love police officers (cuz I be one!) and we don't hate all lawyers completely.


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Two police paramedics jump it the surf to rescue a couple whose boat has foundered in rough seas. After an exhausting swim to the boat, the medics fit the woman into a life vest. All during the rescue she keeps yelling that her husband is a lawyer and he is going to sue the pants off the company that rented them the boat. The cops instruct the husband to stay in the boat while they swim to shore with his wife. As the cops turn around to swim back out to rescue the man they see him coming toward the shore, standing upright, riding on the backs of two huge sharks! As he hops off the shark's onto the beach, the husband shrugs his shoulders in response to the astonished looks on the cop's faces. He gestured back to the sharks and said, "Professional Courtesy".



A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."



A State Trooper responds to an accident and upon reaching the scene he find a woman has been throw out of the wrecked vehicle. Upon further investigation, he realizes that he knows the naked woman. He feels sorry for her and takes of his hat and puts it over her pelvic area to protect her dignity. He then continues with his investigation. After awhile, he notices that one of the EMT's keeps lifting up the hat and looking under it. The Trooper walks over to the EMT and asks him what he is doing. The EMT scratches his head and says "Trooper, that is the first time I have ever looked under one of the hats and not seen a prick." .......(Joke submitted by Phillip)



A trooper stops a car and he tells the driver he stopped him for speeding. The irate driver says "You're nuts, I wasn't speeding!" The driver's wife says "Oh you old fool you are always driving too fast!". The driver yells at his wife "shut up, old lady". The trooper is taken aback by the exchange but tells the driver he also is in violation the seat belt law. The driver once again complains that he was wearing his seatbelt. The wife states "You never wear your seatbelt" Driver "I am going to smack you if you dont shut up". Not wanting a fight the trooper asked the wife "Does he always talk to you that way?" ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK, the wife states. .......(Joke submitted by Gary Baker)



A lawyer, his secretary, and one of the office paralegals are walking through the park during lunch. They see and old bottle in the bushes, and when one of them picks it up and brushes the dirt off of it a genie appears. The genie says "Usually I grant three wishes when I'm released. Since there are three of you, I'll grant one wish each." He asks the secretary what she wants. She says "I want to be married to a super rich sugar daddy in Hawaii." POOF! She disappears. The genie asks the paralegal what he wants. The paralegal says "I want to own my own tropical island populated by beautiful women." POOF! He, too, disappears. Then the genie asks the lawyer what he wants. The lawyer says "I want hose two back in the office ready to work right after lunch!" .......(Joke submitted by Steve)



What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline. .......(Joke submitted by Steve)



A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk"!.......(Joke submitted by Freddy Mack)



An officer witnessed a car slow and cruise through a stop sign. The officer proceeded to pull the car over. The driver, very irate, asked why he was pulled over. The trooper calmly explained "Sir, you failed to come to a complete stop at the stop sign back there." "What does it matter," the driver yells, "I looked both ways and there was no-one around. I demand that you tell me why I should have to come to a complete stop." The trooper then reached into the vehicle and pulled the driver out. He started beating him over the head with his nightstick. After a few seconds, the trooper calmly asked the driver, "Tell me, would you like me to SLOW DOWN or COME TO A COMPLETE STOP?".......



A state trooper stopped a woman on the interstate for speeding. As he approached her car, she rolled down her window and said, "Sir, I know what you're going to do." The trooper asked, "You do? Why don't you tell me?" She replied "You're going to sell me tickets to that State Patrolman's Ball, aren't you?" The trooper looked at her, puzzled, and said "Ma'am, State Troopers don't HAVE balls!" She smiled as the trooper's face turned red. He then returned to his vehicle and left...quickly!......



Q: What's the difference between a cop car and a porcupine?

A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.(submitted by Rob)



If you came upon a lawyer struggling in a raging river, and you had a choice between rescuing him, or taking a Pulitzer-prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?



CLICK HERE If you hate cops!


CLICK HERETo see a GOOD lawyer!



Did ya hear about the two wannabe police dogs named Timex and Rolex? Well...they were really WATCHDOGS!



Q: How many cops does it take to get a suspect downstairs?


A: None, he fell....Submitted by Sgt. Jerry L. Conley, Ret.



Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. As the driver rolls down the window, the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper drawls, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready." The driver rubs his head and says, "I'm sorry, officer. I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on that window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." "Huh?" says the passenger. The cop replies, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that shit with me."



The policeman's wife came home from work and found a note from her husband. "Your doctor called and said your Pabst Beer came back alright...whatever that means."



Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of the normal six feet? Because deep down they are really good people.



Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged one, "we've cut our emergency response time by ten percent." "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average time by 20 percent." "That's nothing!" said the third paramedic. "Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"



An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital. When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible. "What are you doing?" the visitor asked. The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes."



A man was driving home late one afternoon way above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with it's red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks he can outrun it, floors it and the race is on. Both cars race down the highway... 60, 70, 80, 90 mph. Finally, his speedometer passes 100 and the guy pulls over to the curb... The officer gets out of his cruiser and says, "Listen mister, I've had a real lousy day and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a while and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to return her..... "



A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."




There are three kinds of cops: those who can count, and those who can't.



What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.



What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.



Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.



If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?



At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had promised her that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The doctor and friend each tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer removed the cash and placed a check for $3000.



Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's coming to him.



A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."



Why are there more flies in Cairo than lawyers in Washington? Answer: Cairo got first choice.



A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for a policeman's brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"



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